Swimming Up a Waterfall

I "suffer" from depression.  Suffer is a good word for it, although that is a bit too emotionally, dramatically, energetically charged in some ways. My depression causes me to not have that much energy. I "struggle" with my depression. Again, too much dynamism.

For me, the most accurate description would be that I am burdened by depressive pressure always exerting itself on my nature. I want sunshine, but I seem to always be peering at it through mist or fog. I squint at the life in front of me, searching for gaps in the grey and looking for the rays of light.

But it is a difficult thing to do at times. The marathonish nature of it takes its toll and my spiritual eyes get tired, so from time to time I close them and nap. "Nap Time" for me is sometimes not a restorative thing, but a hellish nonexistential sort of place where I am impotent and paralyzed and stuck and hopeless and cowardly and apathetic and pathetic. Finding my way back from there, avoiding that grey world, staying in the sun and fighting to live a FULL life is so damn difficult for me. Trying to do that while a full time homemaker with a cluttered chaotic home and five fantastic intelligent strong willed very different from each other kids and a workaholic husband who travels out of town on a regular basis and a demanding amazing extended family is almost impossible for me at times. Being a perfectionist on top of it all that is a cross between Martha Stewart and Roseanne Barr and Oprah Winfrey?

It is like trying to swim up a waterfall.